If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize