I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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