I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
