Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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