If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
His hands were made for my vagina.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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