I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
