I just saw a hot homeless man
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
