Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
