I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
