i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
