I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
