my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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