I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize