Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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