Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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