I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
