Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
