I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize