I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
In the future we'll all be gay
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
