Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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