ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
