I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
