Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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