When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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