Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
