I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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