Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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