we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
