remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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