If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
