Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
