my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
