you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
