when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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