I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
