Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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