i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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