I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
