Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
