He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
