This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
