I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
