How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
