final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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