barbara walters just said penis...
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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