Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
