I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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