Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
