A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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