I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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