I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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