I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
