The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
