I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
