everyone is single if you try hard enough
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
