I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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