you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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