the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
