my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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