Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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