in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
