I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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