you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
