I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
