I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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