Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
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