I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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