You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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